QUEEN’S PARK – During a press conference at the Ontario Legislature, Doug Ford made it clear that pro-Palestine encampments in universities across the province were unacceptable and should...
All male podcast somehow passes Bechdel test
Toronto, ON – Film historians and critics are flabbergasted after a podcast recorded in Toronto by two men has somehow passed the Bechdel test, used to measure representation of women in film. “...
Seinfeld slams woke student audiences: “Back when I dated high school girls, they found me hilarious!”
HOLLYWOOD – With his Netflix comedy film Unfrosted debuting to abysmal reviews, 70-year-old comedian Jerry Seinfeld blames the failure on “extreme left, and PC college campus audiencesR...
Hardworking Leafs tie up series, maximize how sad fans will be when they still lose
TORONTO – The Toronto Maple Leafs have tied their playoff series against the rival Boston Bruins at 3-3, working hard to engineer a uniquely perfect opportunity to break their fans’ collective h...
“Enough is enough:” Loblaws CEO commands all employees to hunt down, kill anyone participating in boycott
BRAMPTON, ON — In the wake of Canadians calling for a month-long boycott of all Loblaws stores, combined with the threat of an alleged impending “Steal From Loblaws Day,” fed up Loblaws CEO Per Bank r...
Jesus announces even he can no longer save in this economy
PARADISE, NS ― In a new testament to the widespread challenges of inflation, Jesus Christ has admitted that he is really no longer in a position to save these days. “I used to devote my life to the le...
Canadian universities defend banning pro-Palestinian encampments: “We want our students to study genocide, not actually do anything about it”
OTTAWA – As university students from Montreal, Toronto, and Ottawa begin protesting the genocide in Palestine with demonstrations and encampments, officials from their schools have released a se...
CRA knows home office being used for non-work purposes, you fucking liar
OTTAWA — The Canada Revenue Agency confirmed this week that it is fully aware you’ve been using your home office for non-work purposes, you fucking liar. “Do you think we’re stupid? Are we just chumps...
Loblaws promises to lower grocery prices as soon as Leafs win three rounds in the playoffs
TORONTO – Loblaws announced this week that it will lower its record-breaking prices once the Toronto Maple Leafs stumble their way into a third round victory for the first time in their franchise hist...
Leafs assure devastated fans that this is them trying their best
TORONTO – After delivering an uninspired effort in Game 4 that saw them fall behind 3-1 in their first round series against the Boston Bruins, the Toronto Maple Leafs took time to promise their ...
