WASHINGTON D.C. – Following accounts that multiple Trump officials were refused restaurant service this week, the 45th President of the United states demanded via twitter that people “leave my staff a...
Nothing strange about Bermuda Triangle, reports man who died there sixty years ago
DALLAS, TX – There is nothing mysterious or supernatural about the Bermuda Triangle, reports Bill Ketterle, a US pilot who perished there in a plane crash in 1957. “Look, I know there are many r...
Marineland sets Orca fin to half-mast in honour of late founder
NIAGARA FALLS, ON — To honour the recent passing of Marineland owner John Holer, an Orca dorsal fin has been flown at half-mast in the beleaguered amusement park. “We really think it’s what John...
Study: Best way to stop bad guy with gun actually good guy with lawn dart
Baltimore, MA — Americans have been shocked by research from the University of Maryland that reveals, contrary to popular belief, that the best way to stop a bad guy with a gun is a good guy with a la...
Hungry bachelor determined to select least sad rotisserie chicken
OTTAWA – As Tyler Sandford observed a wall of slowly rotating chicken carcasses, he mentally prepared himself to make the most important decision of his life. “I will no longer be a stereotype, ...
Exhaustive study finds Hamilton Tiger-Cats neither tigers nor cats
HAMILTON, ON – Already making waves in the greater Hamilton area, scientists at McMaster University have completed a study that finds, among other things, that the Hamilton Tiger-Cats are neithe...
New tech investment to put Waterloo at leading edge of being destroyed by malicious AI
WATERLOO – An exciting wave of tech industry investment is set to make Kitchener-Waterloo the Canadian hub of creating an uncontrollable line of code that goes on to wreak incalculable economic and hu...
Free speech guardian suing university for saying mean stuff about him
WATERLOO, ON – University professor and free-speech champion Jordan Peterson is bravely stepping up to fight back against some “really mean stuff” said about him by professors at Wilfrid Laurier...
Incredible! The last surviving veteran of the War of 1812 just died
In a sign of the true end of a prominent era of our nation’s history, the Canadian government today confirmed the passing of Lieutenant James Montclief: the last surviving Canadian veteran of the War ...
Dad with cellphone holster not fucking around during trip to beach
VANCOUVER – A local father of two was spotted wearing a heavy-duty nylon phone holster at Kits Beach yesterday. Several eyewitnesses reported that the holster was rugged yet surprisingly sleek a...
