Norm Kelly releases clothing line inspired by his abhorrent voting record

TORONTO – Capitalizing on his online popularity, longtime Toronto politician Norm Kelly announced today that his official 6DAD store will be releasing a new clothing line inspired by his ab…

NYPD shutters homicide division after realizing nosy old ladies have better clearance rates

NEW YORK – The New York City Police Department shut down their homicide division today after an exhaustive overview of clearance rates proves murders investigated by inquisitive spinsters a…

BC government agrees to reclassify farmland as residential if residents agree to be reclassified as food

VICTORIA – In the midst of skyrocketing real estate and land prices, the government of British Columbia has decided to rezone several agricultural blocks of land as residential but has stip…

Costco kiosks offering free sample tastes of bleach

ISSAQUAH, WA – Interested in expanding the selection of products customers may taste before purchasing in bulk, Costco kiosks across North America have begun to offer delicious free samples of bl…

Montreal police mark St. Patrick’s Day with green-coloured tear gas

MONTREAL — Revelers were treated to a rare spectacle, Saturday, thanks to Montreal’s police service (SPVM) when officers in riot gear broke up the annual St. Patrick’s day parade by firing …

Axe throwing escape room gastropub dodgeball event ends in tragedy

VANCOUVER – A new business designed to combine the trends of axe throwing, escape rooms, adult dodgeball, and unique dining experience has closed on its first day after the deaths of 438 patrons.…

Dear Elon Musk: We’ll happily compromise our integrity in exchange for your money

By: The Editorial Staff of The Beaverton Dear Elon Musk: We, the Editorial Staff at The Beaverton – Canada’s Premier News Satire Website and Crayon Manufacturer – have recently learned of your of…

Local white man releases list of legit ethnic restaurants

TORONTO, ON – This week, local white man Chris Smith released a list of “legit” ethnic restaurants, leaving many Caucasian men scrambling to make dinner plans with their squash partners. Sm…

Referee stabbed 23 times during brutal Ides of March Madness game

WICHITA, KS – This March 15th, a first-round game of the NCAA Division I Men’s Basketball Tournament ended prematurely, after a referee was swarmed by spectators and assassinated by r…

Jagmeet Singh attends Quebec sovereignty rally for “human rights”

LONGUEUIL, QC – NDP Leader Jagmeet Singh has attended a rally for Quebec sovereignty stating that he only attended for the sake “human rights.” “It’s not my place to have an opi…