Barrick Gold entombs fifty foreign miners in Peter Munk’s pyramid so he’ll have workers to abuse in afterlife

TORONTO – Deceased Barrick Gold founder and philanthropist Peter Munk will be laid to rest this week in his family’s pyramid along with fifty still-living miners so he can always have someo…

Doug Ford commits to reducing UN spending, upholding Second Amendment, and granting independence to Catalonia

TORONTO – After suggesting that he would cut the federally funded CBC, Ontario PC Leader Doug Ford has also made some bold pledges including a reduction in UN spending, granting independenc…

Study confirming your life is weird and sad passes peer review

Toronto – A study confirming that you lead a bad and pathetic life has passed peer review: even though this has always been obvious, even to the layperson. “Obviously getting publishe…

Woman on vacation wonders how much guilt to unpack

CAYO COCO, CUBA – Mother of three, Tricia Spumante, was eagerly awaiting her much needed vacation at an all inclusive resort when it struck her that she had to unpack all the guilt that was…

Believe me, the feeling is mutual

By: Kathleen Wynne Look, you may think I’m aloof, cocooned in my Toronto bubble. But I’ve seen the same poll numbers you have. According to Forum and Ipsos-Reid, Ontarians overwhelmingly loathe m…

REPORT: Roommate actually does have job

TORONTO, ON- A new study finds that your roommate Tad actually does leave the house sometimes, and that he does, in fact, sometimes leave the house to go to work. “Not that it’s any business of y…

Mean-spirited teenagers bully poor, defenceless NRA

WASHINGTON, D.C. – The National Rifle Association is struggling after a group of teenagers used aggressive bullying tactics to disrespect and humiliate the innocent arms advocates. NRA spok…

Parliament Security ask NDP leader Jagmeet Singh to stop putting reserved signs on chairs in the public gallery

  Watch this exclusive clip from The Beaverton.…

National Pride: Tim Hortons cup represents Canada in Great Pacific garbage patch

PACIFIC OCEAN – A Roll-Up-The-Rim-To-Win Tim Hortons cup has been discovered in the Pacific Ocean’s giant garbage vortex, indicating that Canada is adequately represented among polluting na…

Child gets Facebook account to keep tabs on parents

SAINT JOHN, NB – Making sure they’re not getting into any serious trouble, local 13-year-old, Francis Hollander has recently created a Facebook account to keep track of her parent’s activit…