I strongly deny the groping allegation that I already admitted to and apologized for

By Justin Trudeau Recently you may have heard about a supposed incident that took place at a B.C. music festival 18 years ago in which I, woke bae Justin Trudeau, allegedly groped a female journa…

REPORT: Kidnappers giving proof of life only thing keeping newspapers alive

OTTAWA – A new report by print media analysts revealed Thursday that up to 70% of all physical newspaper subscriptions have been traced back to organized crime, as cartels and fringe groups…

CEO of HuaWei refuses to stop using expression ‘It’s my way or the HuaWei’

SHENZHEN, CHINA – Ren Zhengfei, the founder and CEO of HuaWei, is under severe pressure from HuaWei’s Board of directors to stop using the expression ‘It’s my way or the HuaWei’ or risk bei…

Local condo construction stretches on into 2nd or 10th year

TORONTO — Sources report that the condo construction project at the corner of Bathurst St and St. Clair Ave shows no signs of completion after either 2 years or a full decade. Locals report…

Americans make odd choice to celebrate decision that led them to this point

AMERICA – To the surprise of international observers, millions of Americans chose to celebrate the anniversary of their declaration of independence today, despite the fact that this decisio…

Local trivia team in bar warned to take it down a notch

KINGSTON, ON – After repeated warnings from bar owner Glen Hobschmeer to tone it down, a rowdy trivia team has been issued a life ban from bars citywide that host game nights centering on i…

High school student to lend minimal construction skills to Haiti

PORT-AU-PRINCE, HAITI – Despite possessing little to no aptitude for construction, high school junior Gillian Pearce has elected to spend an entire week in Haiti with the goal of rebuilding a hos…

Hamilton tick infestation fails to combat city’s Torontonian infestation

HAMILTON, ON – As the summer shifts into full swing, Hamilton residents have been placed on high alert with reports that the tick epidemic currently sweeping the city has failed to countera…

Openly sobbing in public entirety of woman’s self-care ritual

ST. JOHN’S, NL – When taking her lunch hour outside on a bench yesterday, Samira Kader devoted the majority of her break to sobbing uncontrollably. Kader asserted that crying in public was …

U2 releases new album on Google Home entitled “Hey Google, turn on all the lights”

DUBLIN – Notable Irish band U2 announced this week that their upcoming album will be released exclusively to Google Home users as a compulsory free download titled “Hey Google, Turn On All …