Tories double-down on using Heritage Minutes to blame Trudeau for 1850s Irish refugee crisis

TORONTO – Despite requests not to use Heritage Minutes for political purposes by its creators, the Conservative Party of Canada has released a new attack ad using the 1991 Heritage Minute o…

Totally Retro! US kicks it old school with dangerous arms race against Russia

It’s like, time to get totally radical because the United States government is returning to the 80’s with neon colours, Duran Duran and no treaties to prevent nuclear war. The whole thing started…

‘Chivalry is dead,’ whines man who has never once presided over a village of unwashed peasants

TORONTO – After a disappointing first date in which he felt his romantic gestures went unappreciated, Mike Peterson mourned the demise of chivalry, despite having never led an army, compete…

Republicans furious to see Obama running for third term

Washington D.C – Republicans have expressed outrage today at the news that a man whom they are positive is former President Barack Obama has entered the race for democratic nominee, vying f…

Panicked uncle handles sleeping baby like old-timey crate of nitroglycerin

Woodstock, NB – Local uncle Grant Newsten, 32, has been reported by witnesses to be handling his newborn niece, Amelia Newsten, as if she is a rickety and highly explosive crate of long-aba…

Vancouver city council approves plan to extend SkyTrain vertically

VANCOUVER – Convening on the contentious issue of expanding Vancouver’s SkyTrain line west to UBC, the Vancouver city council has instead voted unanimously to extend the SkyTrain vertically…

Couple concerned they’ll have to live up to their overly ambitious sexts

Peterborough, ON – After a pre-work make out session this morning, local couple Dirk Rosar and Kristen Lamers exchanged what sources are calling “highly ambitious” sexual text messages with…

China unveils new tourism slogan, ‘Come and you’ll never be able to leave’

BEIJING – After a wave of Canadian citizens were suddenly and permanently relocated to China, the country’s Ministry of Culture and Tourism has unveiled an exciting new slogan, ‘Come and you’ll n…

New Canada Food Guide recommends sharing food with friends, you sad lonely fucks

TORONTO – Experts at Health Canada that loneliness is a large factor in proper nutrition, suggesting that Canadians could make huge improvements to their diets, if they stopped being such a…

Unemployed man thinks hockey player lacks hustle

LETHBRIDGE, AB – During a hockey game Tuesday, local unemployed man Gareth Krag became quite outspoken about the lack of hustle shown by players on both teams. Over the 3 hour broadcast, he…