Trudeau, Ford bond over shared love of ethics violations

OTTAWA – At a meeting of the minds last week, Ontario’s Premier Doug Ford and Prime Minister Justin Trudeau found common ground in their shared love for disregarding ethical codes of conduct. The…

It’s too soon for stores to be hanging Christmas dildos

By: Aaron Buck The snow has arrived and with it, the approaching holiday season. Whether you celebrate Christmas, Hanukkah, or simply use the cold weather to get close with family and friends, wh…

Toronto police address road safety crisis by teaching pedestrians to die more discreetly

TORONTO – Facing criticism for insufficient traffic enforcement and an increase in fatalities, the Toronto Police have unveiled a new workshop series for pedestrians, showing them how to die in a…

Medical resident who hasn’t slept in 36 hours wonders which patient he left his keys in

TORONTO – A sleep deprived medical resident finishing his required 36-hour shift has forgotten which patient he left his keys in. “Ah shit, not again,” Dr. Tate Williamson, rummaging throug…

Bruce Wayne warns wealth tax on billionaires could result in fewer crimes foiled via jet-powered cars

GOTHAM CITY — Following proposals for a wealth tax by Democratic primary candidate Elizabeth Warren, billionaire Bruce Wayne warned this tax could lead to a massive drop in colorful crimina…

Holy shit! Winnipeg wins something!

CALGARY – Early reports indicate that a team or organization relating to, or originating from, the city of Winnipeg has finally won a championship above the amateur level. Portage and Main …

Inspiring: Jennifer Aniston on turning 50, ghastly aging painting in attic

LOS ANGELES – Jennifer Aniston, radiant as ever at fifty, revealed that the secret to her perfect, wrinkle-free skin is a regular exfoliation routine, a daily meditation practice, and a gho…

Scientists admit current estimates of how old the universe is are based entirely on how many CDs it owns

GENEVA – A bombshell paper recently published in the Journal of Astrophysics about the age of the universe has revealed that all current estimates are based entirely on the size and composi…

Stormwatch: That one restaurant patio is still open

TORONTO — Following the recent first major snowfall of the year, Torontonians are bundling up in preparation for the long, cold winter ahead. However, Big Louie’s Bar and Grill has attracted atte…

Support for impeachment reaches 99% among occupants of White House

WASHINGTON D.C. – Recent polling data has astounded political experts with results suggesting that support for the impeachment of President Donald Trump has reached 99% among those who live and w…