Report: Ottawa’s LRT designers inspired by Phoenix pay system

OTTAWA – Designers of Ottawa’s new light rail transit line were reportedly inspired by the Canada’s dysfunctional pay system for federal public servants. Documents indicate the French rail …

Hallmark to release holiday movie about a woman who falls in love with the idea of Christmas itself

HOLLYWOOD — With the holidays fast approaching, the Hallmark Channel has announced a slew of new movies including, The Woman Who Fell in Love With The Idea Of Christmas Itself. “We are thri…

Danes, Dutch form nation after growing too tired to explain they’re different countries

COPENDAM – The leaders of Denmark and the Netherlands have announced their countries are now unified explaining that the burden to explain the difference to North Americans is not worth the…

Trudeau confident in climate action plan of “being dead by then”

OTTAWA – Responding to increasing concerns over climate change, Prime Minister Justin Trudeau has doubled-down on his strategy of already being deceased by the time the apocalypse fully kicks in.…

Doug Ford starts Christmas celebrations with traditional cutting down of wind turbine

PRINCE EDWARD COUNTY, ON – Ontario Premier Doug Ford and his provincial counterparts got into the holiday spirit by chopping down their own Christmas wind turbine. Ford invited his friends …

Police arrest dealer responsible for selling speed to world population of squirrels

VANCOUVER – After a years-long joint investigation by multiple international agencies, authorities have finally arrested the drug kingpin responsible for supplying all squirrels with massiv…

“Might as well, I’m on vacation,” says local man as he drinks from puddle of radioactive waste

PICKERING, ON – Onlookers watched in fascination and horror today as Alexander Landau, a fifth grade teacher from Saskatoon, drank radioactive liquid from a puddle near Canada’s oldest nucl…

“You think you got problems, buddy?” sobs Scheer drunk on milk to bar patron

OTTAWA – A sad scene unfolded at an Ottawa bar as Andrew Scheer succumbed to the anxiety of an uncertain future as Conservative Party Leader drinking far too many dairy beverages. “Oh, your…

Old hummus containers at the back of fridge form union

HALIFAX — Earlier today, following years of unrest and maltreatment, the old hummus containers at the back of Emily Cooper’s fridge officially announced the formation of a union, Very Old H…

Details of Brian’s keto diet endured by all

CALGARY – For the past six months, resident know-it-all and general dud, Brian Thomson has forced every exhausting detail of his new keto diet on his innocent co-workers, friends, and famil…