Choking man with fantastic abs impossible to Heimlich, dies

VANCOUVER – Sexy, muscular tragedy struck today as local man Harrison White choked on a piece of locally-sourced, environmentally conscious hamburger. His rippling abs prevented the Heimlic…

Pornhub leak reveals most of their actors are not actually step-siblings

MONTREAL – Porn enthusiasts are reeling after an information leak at Pornhub has revealed that most of the actors on the site who claim to be step-siblings are not related at all. “I just f…

Political correctness is waging the War on Boxing Day

BY: JIM MARSHALL It’s that time of the year again where millions of Canadians come together on this sacred day spent either lounging, shopping, or in deep reflection on its meaning. You’ll hear t…

Corporate Santa gives children annual performance reports

TORONTO – Millions of children across the globe woke up early to open their annual Christmas performance reports from Corporate Santa. Anxious youngsters, both naughty and nice, were judged…

Quaint English village fails to meet its mysterious murder quota for the year

ABBERSHIRE, UK – Residents of the quiet, picturesque village of Abbershire have found themselves approaching the New Year in shame and disappointment after it was announced that they had failed t…

Hung stocking absolutely stuffed

NORTH OF MY POLE – Oh dear God in Heaven above, early reports state that the Anderson family stockings are not only hung, but absolutely fucking stuffed. Little naughty sources say that the…

Saskatchewan school Christmas pageant replaces Baby Jesus with barrel of crude

OXBOW, SK – Reaffirming the community’s commitment to the oil and gas industry, a local Saskatchewan elementary school is reframing the story of Christmas into the miracle of Canada’s oil a…

Do you want a relationship or did you leave the Hallmark channel on all weekend?

The holidays can be a tricky time for single women who thought life had meaning without a romantic relationship. As you find yourself hunkering down on the couch recovering from the high stress o…

“Spread cheer at Christmas!” tweets woman who just threw defective holiday candle at 16-year-old cashier

TORONTO – Yesterday afternoon, Sandra Johnson, a mother of three with an active social media presence, tweeted the heart-warming sentiment “Spread cheer at Christmas!” to her followers, just five…

Vibranium stocks tumble as U.S. raises tariffs on Wakanda

NEW YORK – Vibranium stocks and vibranium-rich mutual funds took a nosedive this morning as the United States announced a new series of tariffs on the tiny East African nation of Wakanda. T…