FBI promises to expedite process of Epstein associate mysteriously hanging herself in prison
NEW YORK – After arresting Ghislaine Maxwell, accomplice of convicted sex offender Jeffrey Epstein, the Justice Department has promised to put the FBI’s full resources behind expediting her…
Toddler finally has time to catch up with latest season of Doc McStuffins
WINDSOR, ON – As the Covid-19 pandemic continues to keep most Canadians indoors, many are using their down time to catch up on things they wouldn’t have time for otherwise. Among them is 2-…
Summer camp cancellations deprive millions of tweens access to first-base
MUSKOKA, ON – After the news that overnight camps would be suspended this year due to the COVID-19 pandemic, millions of tweens were left heartbroken upon the realization that this would no…
Disney’s Splash Mountain loses coveted title of 4th most racist mountain in America
Orlando, FL – Disney’s Splash Mountain has lost its official designation of the 4th most racist mountain in America after the company unveiled plans to re-theme the attraction this week. “F…
NHL chooses Toronto as hub city due its fans having most experience watching other teams win
TORONTO – The NHL said today that choosing Toronto as one of its two playoff hub cities was a “no brainer” due to Leafs’ fans long experience watching other visiting teams celebrate playoff…
Animal Cruelty Whistleblower dead after whistle attracts many bears
WHISTLER – 36-year-old animal rights whistleblower Leonard Bont was found dead after his handy “shut the fuck up and listen” whistle attracted many bears. Medics arrived on the scene too la…
John Tory seeks compromise, offers to de-fun the police
TORONTO — In the wake of backlash to Toronto city council’s refusal to defund the Toronto Police budget by 10%, Mayor John Tory is seeking to appease angry voters by offering to “de-f…
Air Canada promises 100 bonus Aeroplan Miles to any passenger that gets COVID
MONTREAL – In the wake of announcing that the company would abandon social distancing efforts on its flights, Air Canada is attempting to reassure nervous passengers that if they do contrac…
Toronto city council votes to give police body cams in order to watch racism in High Definition
TORONTO – In a divisive decision yesterday, Toronto city council voted against decreasing the massive police budget in favour of providing its officers with body cameras in 2021, so that all futu…
Businessman Trump masterfully convinces Putin to lower bounty on US soldiers by 2%
WASHINGTON, D.C. – The US president has once again brought his considerable business acumen to bear on matters of international diplomacy by successfully persuading Russian President Vladim…
