Defunded police officer forced to buy own cocaine to plant on people
Camden, NJ – Faced with economic hardship since his city defunded the police force seven years ago, local police officer Pete Garner has been forced to use his own money for vital supplies,…
Doug Ford announces he couldn’t participate in online Pride since he was already logged onto a virtual cottage
TORONTO – Ontario Premier Doug Ford explained to his constituents Monday that he was not able to participate in the online Pride Parade this weekend since he had pre-existing plans to log onto a …
Finally a mask for men! This one has a lil dump truck on it
LINDSAY, ON – As many men across the globe have been forced to reckon with the overwhelmingly feminine nature of medical masks, one company, Macho Masks, has capitalized on this concern by …
Jason Kenney: My racist speechwriter doesn’t speak for me, merely writes the words I speak
EDMONTON – Alberta Premier Jason Kenney wants everyone to know that the fact that Paul Bunner, the man who writes his speeches, has written anti-Indigenous content in the recent past has n…
Dixie Cups quietly changes name to Cups
DALLAS, TEXAS – In response to the recent wave of civil rights protests against police brutality and white supremacy erupting throughout North America, iconic paper product company Dixie Cu…
Progressive! Crayola finally acknowledges the white crayon is useless
NEW YORK, NY- In wake of the worldwide outcry for increased equality, handicraft company Crayola has released a long-awaited statement admitting that white crayons have no real function and shoul…
Study: You’re not a Slytherin, you’re an asshole
Cambridge, MA – A recent study by the Harvard school of Witchcraft and Wizardry has revealed that being a Slytherin does not pardon you from being an asshole. “The purpose of the study was …
Frustrated browser refuses to show you any more internet until you close some tabs
YOUR DESKTOP – Following several years of putting up with your untidy web habits, your browser is putting its electronic foot down and is denying you any more internet until you deal with a…
Freethinker! This woman found a way to criticize Trump that didn’t involve celebrating a war criminal
Genius Mode Activated! Local woman Marla Bach has written a whole facebook post criticizing Donald Trump without ever once praising George W. Bush, a man who should definitely be sent to prison f…
Health officials recall masks after reports that they are a little uncomfortable and look weird
OTTAWA – Canadian health officials have recalled millions of masks after people reported that wearing them makes them feel kinda weird. “Never in the history of public health have we made s…
