“I guess I was pretty busy writing a concession speech and coming up with more personal items I could get the Conservative Party to pay for,” said a clearly agitated Scheer. “But why didn’t my aides tell me about this?”
“I would have loved to just say ‘no, I actually won,’ and then claimed Liberal cities are rigging the whole thing against me.”
Scheer has been calling up old staffers and, after reminding them that he really was almost Prime Minister of Canada, demanding to know why they didn’t put out a bunch of vague, unprovable claims about dead people voting or computer glitches changing votes.
“Yeah he called me out of the blue yelling about ‘is it too late to bribe a poll worker to claim they saw pre-marked ballots being unloaded from a truck?’ I just said ‘new number who dis?’ and hung up,” said one high ranking member of the Conservative brain trust.
Other staffers had to explain to Scheer that it would have been very hard to fire the top staff at the Pentagon given he wasn’t actually in charge of the military at the time, and Canada doesn’t have a Pentagon.
But Scheer remained confident that, if only he’d thought of the coup idea first, he’d be celebrating a full year as Prime Minister/Milk Dictator of Canada.