Canadian women rest easy in the knowledge misogyny uniquely American problem

OTTAWA – Across the nation, women are reacting to today’s horrifying news that the U.S. Supreme Court has struck down Roe v. Wade with compassion for their American counterparts, but are taking c…

Centrist gazelle pauses to consider cheetah’s point of view

BOTSWANA – Marvin Shuttleworth, a three-year-old gazelle who proudly describes himself as a centrist, paused while being pursued by a cheetah in order to consider the predator’s point of vi…

Lightning devastated to learn Refs can work against them too

Tampa Bay, FL – In the wake of Nazem Kadri’s game winning goal for the Avalanche in Game 4 of the Stanley Cup finals being allowed despite the Avs having too many men on the ice, Tamp…

OP-ED: You wearing a mask actually is infringing on my freedom by making me feel guilty and selfish

NOTE: The author of this op-ed has requested to remain anonymous (But not because I’m not proud of my opinion, okay?) I am a man of principle. It’s important to stick up for what you believe and …

Air Fryer latest appliance to fail to save marriage

TRENTON, ON –  After buying an air fryer over a year ago, Bobby and Muriel Fuller regret this latest appliance purchase has failed to save their marriage after a string of attempts with oth…

“Did a thing!” posts white woman who has either cut her hair or invaded the nation of Kosovo

WINNIPEG – Friends and family of Jennifer Higgens reacted with trepidation after the 32-year-old tweeted that she “did a thing” this past Saturday afternoon, unsure if their loved one had e…

Dad who always insists his family get to the airport six hours early grateful his time has come

Whitby, ON – Local father Winston Brown, who has always insisted his family arrive at Toronto Pearson airport no less than 6 hours before their flight’s scheduled departure time, took…

Advocate for return-to-office policies eager to get back to eating other people’s lunches

WINNIPEG, MB — After working from home for two years, local man Calvin Richards is pushing to return to the office so he can get back to eating lunches that don’t belong to him. “It’s time we all…

Colgate unveils new sensitivity-increasing toothpaste for nasty little freaks

MANHATTAN — Oral hygiene giant Colgate-Palmolive has announced a new line of sensitivity-increasing toothpastes designed to cater to the needs of fucked-up little pain goblins everywhere. Colgate…

Trudeau promises to continue timing Canadian laws with American tragedies

OTTAWA – After recently announcing passage of a host of new gun control laws in the wake of the deadly Uvalde, Texas school shooting, and re-affirming Canada’s support of legal abortion aft…