Budget conscious Loblaws replaces Galen Weston with new No Name president
BRAMPTON, ON – Saying that they have been forced to make sacrifices because of the cost of living crisis, Loblaw Corporation has opted for a more budget-friendly No Name president over cont…
World’s sick, injured travel to see NHL team doctors after they miraculously heal entire rosters in time for playoffs
LAS VEGAS – People with injuries and illnesses that conventional doctors have been unable to hear have begun making medical pilgrimages to see NHL team doctors after hearing how they were a…
TTC violence not linked to housing crisis, healthcare funding or the fact I hate Toronto declares Premier Ford
TORONTO – I know that people are looking for someone to blame for the violence on the TTC but I can assure everyone that this is in no way linked to the housing crisis, healthcare funding …
Man whose dick you have to suck to get a drink around here finally identified: Marty Williams of Scarborough
SCARBOROUGH — After decades of the question being asked by frustrated bar patrons, the identity of the man whose dick you have to suck to get a drink around here has been definitively identified …
Local Torontonian wins race to subway seat
TORONTO, ON — Torontonian Mark Law has won a highly competitive local race, finishing his commute as the winner of the coveted “Seated Train Ride Home”. On Line 1 at Bloor-Yonge Station, Law beat…
Rogers Centre renovations include private nook where fans can tell Blue Jays mascot everything they can’t say to their dad
TORONTO – As the Toronto Blue Jays play the 2023 season’s first home games, fans are enjoying several offseason additions to the Rogers Centre, including a new bullpen bar, a large family play ar…
Sikh Community prepares for annual pilgrimage of White politicians to Brampton
BRAMPTON, ON – As Sikhs across Canada look forward to 2023’s Vaisakhi celebrations, volunteers in Brampton are hastily preparing in anticipation for one of their communities most cherished …
Walmart CEO claims stealing is really bad, unless it’s wages from your employees
Portland, Oregon – Walmart CEO Doug McMillon recently stated the rise in thefts from Walmart stores is very bad, unlike the hundreds of million dollars Walmart stole from its own employees.…
Optometrists finally admit there is no difference between one and two
Welland, ON – In a big win for optometry patients around the country, the nation’s eye doctors have finally come clean, admitting there is no difference between lens number one and lens number tw…
Poilievre asks Elon Musk to label CBC as “government-funded media” and also to come to his birthday party
OTTAWA – Conservative opposition leader Pierre Poilievre has reached out publicly to Twitter CEO Elon Musk, asking him to label CBC as “government-funded media” and also if he wants to atte…
