BEVERLY HILLS, CA — Ticketmaster, a division of Live Nation Entertainment, has announced a new service charge for concerts their users don’t attend or even know about. “We’ve been adding more and…
New morning radio crew doesn’t play music or talk, just laughs and laughs and laughs
CALGARY — CHFM launched a new weekday morning team who never play music or even speak; they spend their three hour broadcast block in constant laughter. “[Previous morning hosts] Billie Jo and Ca…
Changed O Canada lyrics received with understanding and nuance by nation’s trolls
OTTAWA — Singer Jully Black’s rendition of O Canada at the NBA All-Star game, in which she changed the lyric to “Our home on Native land,” was overwhelmingly and universally well received by the …
“Can’t complain,” says cashier who’ll get fired if she complains
TORONTO — Sam Baquiran, cashier at a Shoppers Drug Mart on Pape and Danforth, recently had a customer ask how she was doing. “Can’t complain,” she responded, given that she’ll lose her job if she…
House guest surprised to discover it’s suddenly a faux-pas to fuck the family whale
YORKTON, SK — Jordan Russell was surprised, upon visiting his girlfriend Sara Geisbrecht’s family over the holidays, to discover that they consider it extremely gauche to fuck the family whale. …
Ten best “Best of” lists: Our list
With the abundance of Best Of Year lists clogging up the internet every December, it’s hard to know which ones are worth your time. Luckily for you, the tireless team at The Beaverton has read al…
Candling session loosens man’s ear wax and extracts three-masted model ship
SAULT STE MARIE — Local high school teacher Matt Giordano received quite the surprise on Tuesday when an ear candling session not only removed a quantity of built-up wax from his ear canal, but e…
Woman banishes malfunctioning vibrator to Island of Misfit Sex Toys
EDMONTON — Melissa Soares, frustrated with the sub-optimal aspects of her rabbit vibrator, has evicted it from her night-stand, exiling it to the Island of Misfit Sex Toys. “The gals on Sex and …
Apartment building named “Regency Landing” appoints Maintenance Viscount to fix leaking shitter pipes
VICTORIA — Proctor Properties Inc has recently appointed George William Sherston-Phipps Tollemache Montesquieu III of Roxborough as its Maintenance Viscount for the Regency Landing apartment buil…
YouTube announces it has radicalised its ten millionth child
SAN BRUNO, CA — Celebrations erupted today at YouTube’s headquarters, marking the major milestone of the video sharing site successfully radicalising its ten millionth child. “We couldn’t be prou…
