SAN BRUNO, CA — Celebrations erupted today at YouTube’s headquarters, marking the major milestone of the video sharing site successfully radicalising its ten millionth child.
“We couldn’t be prouder of the team that developed our algorithm,” said CEO Susan Wojcicki, popping a champagne bottle. “No matter how innocent a child’s YouTube search is – balloons, turtles, funny cloud shapes – we’ve got a stack of videos of bloggers talking about how the woke mob is trying to cancel those things.”
“Then those videos lead to videos of Jordan Peterson or Ben Shapiro DESTROYING some leftist SJW. A month or two of this and sha-bam, you’ve got a full-on extremist whose social life mostly consists of watching YouTube, and that’s amazing for our bottom line.”
“Youngsters really are the ideal candidates for an algorithm bent on brainwashing,” said child psychologist Dr Wayne Hutton, who works as director of Healthier Minds, a think tank funded by YouTube. “They’re open, trusting and lack critical thinking skills. They’re like those animals on the Galapagos Islands who evolved without predators and were the easiest thing to walk up to, bop on the head and eat.” He then high-fived Wojcicki, as she shook a champagne bottle and sprayed it over both of their heads.
Brushing aside criticisms that the radicalization of children directly correlates to cyberbullying, doxxing, revenge porn, rape threats, election denialism and the propagation of antivax and other batshit conspiracy theories, Wojcicki popped another magnum of champagne.
“Does all of that stuff result in those kiddies watching fewer YouTube videos? It most certainly does not!” Wojcicki then guzzled the entire bottle and let out a victorious roar.
The day’s festivities climaxed with an appearance by eleven-year-old Davis Fleming, the ten millionth child radicalised by YouTube. He gave a fifty minute speech excoriating the mainstream media while asserting that the patriarchy doesn’t exist, covid is fake, white men are the real victims of racism, and Joe Rogan is funny.