TORONTO – The province of Ontario clarified that any of the COVID-19 projections made by provincial doctors, scientists, and epidemiologists were for politicians to make bets on if they cam…
Ontario school opening/closing policy determined by a cat who wants in or out
TORONTO – Ontario’s Ministry of Education cat has determined that schools will be closed after he decided to come inside. The feline, Misty the COVID Cat, was at first hesitant to make a de…
Montreal rioters concerned COVID rules are destroying small businesses before they can destroy small businesses
MONTREAL – Rioters who took to the streets in Old Montreal last night are concerned that current COVID restrictions are recklessly harming small businesses before they have a fair chance at…
Jack Campbell spends entire day attempting to return $5 bill to total stranger
TORONTO – Toronto Maple Leafs backup goaltender and good Samaritan Jack Campbell has spent hours looking for the person who accidentally dropped a $5 bill at Union Station in Toronto. The f…
Manitoba premier tells teachers to share province’s last remaining piece of chalk
WINNIPEG – Manitoba premier Brian Pallister has encouraged teachers to share the province’s last remaining piece of chalk in all of the province’s public schools. Pallister announced the ne…
Merriam Webster scrambles to keep up with Ford’s definition of “shutdown”
Springfield, MA — It was all hands on deck at dictionary-maker Merriam Webster’s head office as employees worked to create a new definition of “shutdown” following Ontario Premier Doug Ford’s ann…
Crow pretty jazzed to grab engagement ring after couple finishes fighting in the park
VICTORIA, BC – During a midday flight through a lovely park, local crow Beaks McCaw spotted an exciting opportunity to add to her collection of shiny things upon witnessing an engaged coupl…
Alberta’s war room counters “Bigfoot Family” with $50 million production of “Peter the Pipeline”
EDMONTON – Alberta’s Canadian Energy Centre announced its own production of a kid’s movie about an industrious pipeline who dreams of stretching across two countries in response to Netflix’…
Tory MP calls for end of lock down claiming Canada shamefully behind US on COVID death count
HAMILTON – Flamborough—Glanbrook MP David Sweet is calling the province of Ontario to end the lockdown so Canada can catch up to the US on its COVID-19 death count. “22,000 dead compared to…
New tracking bracelets vibrate every time Doug Ford has dumb idea
TORONTO – The Office of the Auditor General of Ontario has unveiled a new line of digital tracking devices that vibrate every time Doug Ford posits a very stupid idea. The Auditor General s…
