TORONTO – The province of Ontario clarified that any of the COVID-19 projections made by provincial doctors, scientists, and epidemiologists were for politicians to make bets on if they came true.
Solicitor General Sylvia Jones explained that her government did not act on dire warnings weeks ago about COVID patients incapacitating ICUs since they do not want to unfairly influence the odds of someone winning big.
“There’s over $5,000 worth of over/under bets on the table for hospitalization and deaths alone,” explained Jones at a press conference who acts as the cabinet’s bookie. “I’ve got $750 for Elloitt on case rates exceeding 6,000 by next week, $1,000 for Lecce on three ICUs being overwhelmed by April 30, and $2,000 for Ford saying the numbers will be low enough to re-open tomorrow.”
Jones scoffed at the suggestion made by a journalist that they could act on the scientific computations before it was too late.“
How would we know if they’re true if we didn’t wait for them to become true?” Jones asked rhetorically. “It ruins the thrill of the game.”
The press conference ended with Jones shouting out to the Premier “Doug, you owe me 500 bucks…I knew we were more fucked than you thought.”