TORONTO – After a recent drop in the Canadian housing market, city dweller and accounts manager, Benedict Witt, 34, has become the only person that is considering he may now be able to affo…
New Texas laws prevent doctors from life-saving surgeries if cancerous tumour is one of those that grows teeth and hair
AUSTIN, TX – Shortly after the Supreme Court voted to overturn Roe v. Wade, Texas’ new laws against abortion have expanded to also include bans on life saving surgeries of cancerous tumours…
Editorial: If COVID-19 is so bad, how come I got it 3 times and I can still do a backflip?
I’ve had COVID-19 thrice now, and I gotta say: what’s the big idea? Why are we trying to prevent it so much when it’s just like a little cold that barely stops you from doing anything! I can stil…
Mom calls in excited panic just to say current Jeopardy champion is Canadian
HALIFAX, NS – Earlier this week, Eleanor Weaver, 23, got a panicked call from her mother around 10pm just to say that the current Jeopardy champion, Mattea Roach, is Canadian. “I thought so…
Dad’s phone apparently only has ability to check stock market and send thumbs up emoji
KITCHENER, ON – Laylah Peel, 27, recently realized after a quick text conversation with her father, Arnold Peel, that his company issued Google Pixel must only have the ability to send the …
Dog stops doing something funny, forcing local family to talk to each other
LETHBRIDGE, AB – Reports indicate the Roche family’s 8 year old labradoodle Trevor recently, stopped walking around with a blanket on his head, forcing the family to actually learn ab…
Wait, what? This lesbian movie has a happy ending
HOLLYWOOD, CA – Last week, Digimagine Filmworks released their anticipated lesbian period drama, Calling The Wife. However, viewers were shocked to find out that the film actually had a hap…
Republicans celebrate anniversary of insurrection by leaving AR-15s under their pillows in hopes for a visit from the big fat man
Washington, DC – January 6th, 2022 marks one year since Donald Trump supporters stormed the Capitol building, rioting after Trump lost the 2020 election to Joe Biden. To celebrate, Republic…
Local woman at that age where she gets hangovers from eating too much soup now
SAULT STE. MARIE, ON – Jayne Hinton, 32, is slowly discovering what her body can’t handle nowadays, ranging from a glass of wine to a heavy meal before bed. Most recently, Hinton discovered…
Friend group reschedules Zoom hangout for 86th week in a row
WATERLOO, ON – A local group of friends who all met working at a Second Cup in 2015 have been meaning to have a Zoom catchup since the beginning of the pandemic, and have now rescheduled fo…