I’ve had COVID-19 thrice now, and I gotta say: what’s the big idea? Why are we trying to prevent it so much when it’s just like a little cold that barely stops you from doing anything! I can still do a backflip!
The first time I got COVID was back in 2020 after going to a grocery store. The pandemic was fresh, and we were all scared of what could happen to us. I totally bought into it, hearing that it worsens lung capacity, can put you in the hospital, and may affect you long-term, rendering you unable to perform a backflip.
COVID made me cough a little bit more than usual, but I already do tons of that due to all the drugs and cigarettes I smoke (I’m extremely cool), and I’ve always been fine. After two weeks of staying inside, I felt better so I tried to do a backflip – the true test of health. I was wobbly at first but by the third or fourth one, my backflip was near perfection. “Nadia Comăneci can suck it,” I thought.
The second time I got COVID was after I tried getting one of those brain-altering vaccinations (luckily, I think I diluted all the vaccine out by drinking Gatorade non-stop after all the sex I have all the time). I got it from going to a rager at my friend Brendon’s house. And by the way, I did a sick ass keg stand there that ended in a backflip and everyone cheered, so worth it. That time, COVID was even better. I was just a little tired and could barely make it to Brendon’s beach banger. But I soldiered on and manned the barbecue the whole night.
The next week I felt superb and guess what? I nailed my backflip in 2.
Cut to last week, after not getting my booster since it does shit all, a rapid test I had to take for my cousin’s wedding told me I had COVID again, but all I had was a little scratchy throat. Fuck that!! I went to my cousin Tia’s wedding, watched her marry my best bud Brendon (mazel tov to them both), and get this: did a backflip AT. THE. RECEPTION. All while having the oh-so-scary COVID-19.
Sure, my doctor’s worried about the effects of long COVID because my kidneys are absolutely obliterated, but that’s probably from all the beer drinking I do on Friday nights at parties (I’m super popular).
Since then, I’ve been doing backflips everywhere: trucker rallies, storming government buildings, my second cousin’s funeral, etc. So let’s all just calm down a little bit, okay? If anything, COVID made my backflips better. Don’t let it stop you from achieving your dreams. Stand strong, and let’s do backflips until the day we die.
(This editorial is dedicated to Uncle Matt, Aunt Sandra, Cousin Henry, Ol’ Grandpa Theodore, Great Aunt Pat, and Calvin McDinkle who all passed away shortly after my buddy Brendon’s wedding from mysterious causes (probably the salmon), may they rest in peace).