News in Photos…
Dog-Walker Association latest company to eliminate plastic bags
TORONTO – In efforts to model sound environmental stewardship, the Dog-Walker Association of Ontario has become the latest company to eliminate plastic bags, along with every dog walkers’ s…
UPDATE: Gerbil has already surpassed your fitness goals
TORONTO – Brandi Bepple was shocked to discover her daughter’s gerbil, Peanut, has already surpassed her 2023 fitness goals, despite her extensive preparation and detailed vision boarding. Bepple…
Farsighted man can only find clitoris from across the room
THUNDER BAY, ON – Optometrist Dr. Emily Hu wasn’t looking for a new case study when she discovered her new boyfriend Hunter Nelson’s excellent far vision somehow hindered his ability to fin…
Fluffy dog forced to wear fall sweater is fucking burning up
CALGARY – Despite the unseasonably warm fall weather rolling through Western Canada, 4-year-old Pomeranian mix Sandy has been dressed in a sweater simply because it’s ‘just so dang adorable…
REPORT: Loneliness epidemic singled out, ostracized by other epidemics
RICHMOND, BC – As persistent loneliness continues to affect the health of billions, it remains unable to gain acceptance and inclusion from its epidemic peers. “I’ve been harming people’s well-be…
Local man still has no idea what Dad did for a living
TORONTO – 42-year-old Trey Martinez admits that after all these years, he still doesn’t understand exactly “what the hell [his] dad did as a career.” “It started back in grade 5 when my dad gave …
Bagged milk distributor begins attaching “bag titty”
QUEBEC – After receiving thousands of complaints related to pouring issues, bagged milk distributor Saputo has begun attaching a nipple to milk bags for increased dispensing control. The dairy gi…