TORONTO – Brandi Bepple was shocked to discover her daughter’s gerbil, Peanut, has already surpassed her 2023 fitness goals, despite her extensive preparation and detailed vision boarding.
Bepple purchased the two-month-old Mongolian gerbil as a Christmas gift for her daughter, Avery, who has since removed Peanut’s tank from her bedroom due to “constant squeaking of the exercise wheel” at night.
“I thought he’d be fun to play with and hold,” shrugged the 8-year-old. “He seems more interested in running on that wheel more than anything else.”
“I knew gerbils were somewhat active, but exercising every single day of the week? Must be sooo easy to work out when you don’t have to worry about rising food costs or maintaining an orderly household,” said Bepple placing a $27 immuno-energy boosted matcha avocado smoothie on a P90X ‘coaster’ and tossing a heap of fresh laundry on her Peloton.
While Peanut doesn’t require external motivation to exercise, Bepple has decided to utilize a ‘Slay Every Day’ workout wall calendar to try and keep pace with the 90g rodent.
“The red x’s indicate run days, blue is biking, green is resistance training, and yellow is for yoga. I haven’t started yet because I used up all of my markers bullet journaling the progress I’ve made on my vision board,” she defended. “What? How will I know if I want Beyoncé’s legs, Shakira’s abs and Harry Styles’ jumpsuits unless I see them cut out and glued on poster paper?”
But perhaps the biggest investment Bepple has made toward her own health since Peanut’s arrival is breaking ground on her new ‘Ninja Warrior’ style course inside her home office.
”That little furball thinks he’s got me beat, but while he’s snoozing all day, I’ve been masterfully planning highly efficient daytime strategies to facilitate muscle confusion and make up for lost time. There’s no excuse why I can’t read emails while working up the salmon ladder – except I’m waiting for my lululemon tights to arrive, then I’ll be ready for sure!”
At press time, Bepple was assembling her own Mount Midoriyama-style obstacle course out of filing cabinets and a 1970s knee chair.