OTTAWA—Scientists released a report today indicating that shit! It’s Mother’s Day! Fuck, what time is it? Authors of the report further stated that goddamn it, Mom’s probably already in bed by no…
Ted Cruz raptured early
INDIANAPOLIS — Following a fierce primary battle, Senator Ted Cruz was rewarded for his staunch support of anti-abortion, anti-immigrant and anti-gay policies by being lifted away from worl…
Ted Cruz: No woman should be punished for getting an abortion before she goes to hell
MADISON — GOP candidate Ted Cruz has condemned Donald Trump’s recent statements that women who have abortions should face legal penalties, and emphasized that no woman should be punished for this…
Nation’s women fucking done with this shit
CANADA – Sources report that the nation’s women are so fucking done with all this goddamn bullshit. If you assault women, it’s your fault, and your problem. Fucking get it together or get t…
Trudeaus smuggle bag of tangerines back over border
After crossing the Canada Border on their return trip from the state dinner at the White House, sources confirm that Justin and Sophie Trudeau successfully transported a bag of tangerines past Cu…
Woman in job interview refers to pregnancy as ‘big lunch’
OAKVILLE—Sources confirm that throughout a job interview earlier today local woman Carol Miller continually referred to her six-month pregnancy as a hearty lunch unlikely to require her to take a…
Woman sensually undresses all dressed chips
PARIS — Yesterday, seated before a roaring fire in a spacious hotel room, local woman Julie Chambers, slowly and ever so tenderly, undressed a bag of all dressed chips as though for the first tim…
Optimist sees polar ice caps as half full
Brandon, Manitoba – Noted bright-side looker Julie Chambers, 37, told reporters yesterday that she thinks it’s better to view the polar ice caps, which in recent years have been losing both…
Canada pledges $1 million to Kevin O’Leary if he will go away forever
OTTAWA — Citing concerns over reality show star and financial commentator’s impact on the value of Canadian public discourse, democratic process, and journalistic integrity, Canada is offering Ke…
George R. R. Martin threatens to kill himself off in next Thrones book
SANTA FE — After Game of Thrones fans responded with outrage to his announcement that he will be unable to deliver another novel before the premiere of the franchise’s next TV season, autho…
