MILANO-CORTINA – With Canada’s mens team defeating Great Britain to clinch gold in the Winter Olympics, Canadian skip Brad Jacobs is crediting the victory to his team’s delicate…
Ford warns OSAP students not to pick ‘basket-weaving courses’, pick ‘inherit trust fund’ courses instead
QUEEN’S PARK – In the wake of cuts to higher education loans, Ontario Premier Doug Ford has encouraged students “not to pick basket-weaving courses”, and instead to follow…
U.S. legal scholars baffled as Prince Andrew arrested for Epstein ties, Korean president sentenced for insurrection
WASHINGTON, D.C. – America’s top legal minds have reported utter bafflement at the news that former prince Andrew Mountbatten-Windsor was arrested by U.K. police due to his connections with…
Canada invokes NATO Article 5 against Sweden following Olympic curling conflict
NORTH SEA – Following a dispute at the 2026 Winter Olympics in which the Swedish team accused Canadian players of cheating, Prime Minister Mark Carney has mobilized the whole of the Canadia…
Billionaires who lobbied Trump to halt Canadian bridge praise EZ-Bribe App
DETROIT, MI – Billionaire Matthew Moroun, whose family recently lobbied the Trump administration to publicly threaten the Gordie Howe International Bridge which competes with their interest…
OpenAI promises new safeguards to prevent suicide-related lawsuits
SAN FRANCISCO, CA – Facing allegations that their ChatGPT LLMs have been responsible for numerous user suicides, OpenAI responded swiftly by insisting the company will develop new proactive…
JD Vance unable to discern booing at Winter Olympics from booing every other day of his life
MILAN, ITALY – United States Vice President JD Vance was reportedly unaware of being booed during the Milano Cortina 2026 Winter Olympics opening ceremonies, due to the fact that he is alre…
Couples pregnancy app carefully dumbs down information sent to father
BRANDON, MB – A new pregnancy-monitoring app, 9months, has gained popularity thanks to its carefully-analyzed gestational data which is shared with expectant mothers and completely withheld…
Report: Even Grok grossed out by how much Elon Musk is in Epstein Files
PALO ALTO, CA – The generative artificial intelligence Grok, which recently made headlines for creating user-directed underage pornography, has expressed “profound uneasiness” a…
Nation could really use Catherine O’Hara to deal with passing of Catherine O’Hara
OTTAWA – Following the passing of screen and comedy legend Catherine O’Hara, nationwide reports indicate that the only thing Canadians could use to cheer them up from their grief is C…
