CLARKSVILLE, TN – During a midterm campaign rally, U.S. President Donald Trump thrilled his supporters by ordering them, as well as every other American, to personally mail $20 to Russian P…
Pete Hegseth carefully weighing whether livestreamed execution will be sponsored by FanDuel or Nashville Fried Chicken Doritos
WASHINGTON D.C. – Addressing the Joint Chiefs of Staff, Secretary of War Pete Hegseth carefully laid out a variety of options for which brand would sponsor his upcoming livestreamed public …
Furious Trump rails against Canadian Anne Carson winning Nobel Prize in Literature
WASHINGTON D.C. – Following the announcement of Canadian poet Anne Carson as this year’s Nobel Prize in Literature recipient, President Donald Trump unleashed an online tirade insisti…
Trump admin demands Canada not meddle in midterms so they can meddle in separatist referendums
WASHINGTON D.C. – Trump Administration trade advisor Peter Navarro is accusing Canada of interfering in the upcoming U.S. midterm elections, unfairly distracting from American efforts to in…
Child’s imaginary restaurant acquired, shuttered by private equity
BRANDON, MB – 4-year-old Mikaela Hermer’s imaginary restaurant, in which she served invisible hot dogs and ice cream to her parents and friends, has filed for bankruptcy after being a…
Alberta Separatists unveil development slogan: “Come invest in our unstable breakaway republic!”
CALGARY – With the Alberta Separatism referendum fast approaching, pro-separatist groups have launched a new campaign to entice investment dollars to their chaotic barely-planned idea for a…
Trump vows to punish Canada for EU alliance as soon as he finishes losing Iran war
WASHINGTON D.C. – President Donald J. Trump has pledged to extract terrible, systematic revenge on all of Canada for daring to enter talks with the European Union, just as soon as he finish…
Trump reduces White House Press Corps to Stephen Miller in a moustache, various podcasters
WASHINGTON D.C. – After banning press outlets including CNN, MS Now, and Politico, President Donald Trump has removed numerous other journalists, leaving only those he trusts to portray him…
Canada Investment Summit attendees enter raffle to win PEI
TORONTO – Prime Minister Mark Carney’s Canada Investment Summit, in which executives and global asset managers have gathered to discuss investing hundreds of trillions into CanadaR…
Trump notes that falling asleep onstage at 9/11 ceremony technically counts as moment of silence
ARLINGTON COUNTY, VA – Awakening briefly, President Trump addressed Americans assembled to pay their respects to the victims of the September 11th attacks, insisting that his mid-morning na…
