QUEEN’S PARK – To deal with the sharp increase in gambling addiction sweeping the province, Ontario Premier Doug Ford has publicly stated he is so confident he can stop the epidemic that he will put $10,000 on the line.
“I’ve got ten-to-one odds that I solve this problem by next term. Who wants in?” Ford said at a press conference where he was writing the names of all takers on a green chalkboard behind him. “I’m also offering double or nothing on whether or not I raise taxes while doing it!”
Despite having lost $5000 on an earlier bet where he had wagered that he could buy a private jet without getting in trouble, Ford remains certain he’s due for a win and the 10 grand will put him out on top.
“I know the cause of this spike in addiction cases has been a mystery for a while,” Ford said to reporters, walking past seventeen ads for online gambling sites that his government legalized. “But the winds are about to change; I can feel it. Heck, I might even do a parlay that gambling addiction rates will fall, average income will rise, and the Raptors will make the championship!”
While some are concerned that this is too tall an order for the Premier, Ford’s staff say they have been advised that their leader has a system.
“There’s an unspoken rule at Queen’s Park: Never tell Doug the odds,” said senior provincial government staffer David Probst. “If he doesn’t have any information regarding the probability surrounding any situation, he can feel it out with his gut to make the best pick. Sure, he gets really sweaty when he’s gambling too much, but he’s like that every other day regardless.”
“We tried telling him that a grand is a lot of money to risk, but he told us to leave him alone, and that he can do what he wants with his taxpayers’ money.”
Others of Ford’s staffers are less convinced the Premier is playing within his limits. Phoebe Glumby says she and a few of her colleagues have had serious concerns about Ford’s gambling after walking on his bookie threatening to break his legs.
“He says this gambling addiction bet is a sure thing, but we know that if he really felt confident, he would’ve put 10 grand on it. And we know he can’t sell any more of the greenbelt, so he’s in real trouble if he loses. We tried using the ConnexOntario help line, but we couldn’t get through to anyone for 3 hours!”
“I just hope that the invention disguised as a FordFest we’re luring him to works, or we’re out of ideas!”
At press time, Ford refused to confirm or deny the possibility that he would appeal in court if he ended up having to pay out.
