Toronto, ON – In a bold campaign move, Toronto mayoral hopeful Brad Bradford has vowed to put a police officer in your living room if elected to office.
“You will never have to worry about your physical safety while I am Mayor of Toronto, because Officer Dave will be standing outside of your bedroom in your 600-square-foot apartment. He’s right there.”
Bradford spoke to reporters from his campaign headquarters this week, where campaign volunteers were seen with boxes of Bradford’s old t-shirts from 2020, crossing out the “de” on the “defund the police” slogans with Sharpies.
“I have been the first candidate to bravely ask: What if the answer to less crime was more cops this whole time? Has anyone else tried that before?”
Even when met with empirical proof that an increase in police budgets does not overall reduce violent crime rates, Bradford insisted that “Yes, we’re all aware of that when it comes to past municipal governments. But it’ll be different when I do it because it’s me, obviously.”
Bradford has assured the public that, if a peaceful protest breaks out in your apartment, Toronto Police will do everything in their power to keep it peaceful with the unprompted use of riot gear and excessive force.
“We prefer to use the term ‘pre-emptive policing tactics.’” Officer Dave Milner told The Beaverton, where we found him live on-site in your home looking for your Roku TV remote.
“Whether it’s a large or small gathering at your place, the conversations always run the risk of getting political. You just need to be prepared for anything. So, no, I will not apologize for tear-gassing your coworkers at your birthday party; they were all standing conspiratorially in the kitchen together. It’s suspicious. If you see something, say something.”
Early data from the pilot program show that TPS response times are not affected, and it stil takes approximately six hours for Officer Dave to reach your kitchen from your living room 30 feet away.
In response to criticism from the public about the possibility for abuses of power, Bradford has promised to assign an additional SIU officer to each living room to immediately investigate any complaints of police misconduct before promptly clearing them of all wrongdoing, anyways.
Bradford’s detractors have also voiced concern about where the funding for this pilot project is coming from in Bradford’s proposed municipal budget. A source from within the campaign stated that Bradford plans to divert funds from public schools, after-school recreation programs, and close the no-kill animal shelters to ensure Toronto becomes an efficient kill-only shelter city.
Along with his influx of police funding, Bradford is exploring other possibilities for his public safety platform, including keeping all unhoused people underground between the hours of 7 AM and 7 PM so he doesn’t have to see them, and closing all safe injection sites that are within 100 metres of him personally.
