OTTAWA – Two months after issuing one statement promising “concrete actions” if Israel did not stop intentionally starving Palestinians in Gaza, Canada has joined with 24 other nations to issue a new statement calling on Israel to end the suffering, and officials say they are prepared to issue even more ambiguous, generic calls for action as necessary until the genocide ends.
“It is unacceptable that Palestinians are being bombed, shot and starved to death in the thousands,” said PM Mark Carney. “And as a global leader on human rights ever since we called ourselves that, Canada has no choice but to step up and send several letters using phrases like ‘stop it right now’ and ‘this time we mean it’.”
“And we won’t stop at regular statements either. We’ll put totally hollow platitudes on poster boards, or give hour-long press conferences without ever once using the word sanctions. That’s how seriously we take this.”
Officials are not sure exactly how many statements that don’t actually impact Israel in any way it will take to stop the genocide we are all witnessing in 4k every day, but believe it will be somewhere in the neighbourhood of 7-8. If that doesn’t do the trick they are already prepared, with a searing message to Netanyahu ready to be delivered in the form of a singing telegram.
“Times of crisis require people to go above and beyond. And that’s why I’m willing to work all night proof-reading statements to make sure they don’t include anything resembling a plan to actually get food to starving children,” said Minister of Foreign Affairs Anita Anand.
Israel has not responded to Canada’s latest statement yet, as they are too busy making plans for their next “accidental” bombing of a church, hospital or kindergarten.
