WASHINGTON DC — In a move that has shocked employees around the world, Joe Biden announced today that he would be stepping out of the presidential race, making it the first time in recorded history that an ageing boomer has ever retired in order to let a younger person take their job.
“Folks, I’ve had a good run, a good long, long, long run,” Biden announced immediately after the declaration, holding up a box of his Oval Office possessions in front of a crowd of reporters. “But today, I’m doing what’s best for America and becoming the first old person to ever step down so that someone under the age of 80 can have my job.”
“Hopefully they’re not TOO young, though,” he added, “because then they might have young person ideas about stopping genocide and abortion restrictions. Can you imagine that malarkey, folks?”
When informed that he predated the Boomer generation by four years, Biden explained that taking a title away from a younger generation “is actually the most Boomer thing one could do, so it still counts!”
Biden’s wife Jill expressed her role in her husband’s decision to finally free up the presidency to someone who hadn’t voted for Abraham Lincoln.
“He really had intended on pulling a Ruth Bader Ginsburg and just sticking it out until he kicked the bucket right there in the White House, damn the terrifying global consequences,” she said proudly. “But I told him, hey Joe, why not be a national hero and let a young person take over? To be honest, though, it wasn’t until I mentioned that he’d finally get to catch up on the last four seasons of NCIS that he really warmed to the idea.”
Kamala Harris was quick to assure ageing employees across America that she, while younger, was also technically a boomer.
“I told them, don’t worry!” she laughed, “I’m still old enough to remember the good ol’ days of just walking into an office and asking for a job with benefits and a pension. So I’ll make sure to uphold the boomer-honored tradition of making sure that every new White House intern has at least five master’s degrees and ten years’ experience.”
At press time, every single boomer in North America was spotted fervently assuring their younger coworkers that while the president’s decision was noble, they shouldn’t get their damn hopes up.
