NEW YORK – In addition to unveiling its own line of official NFTs, the National Hockey League has announced plans to attract player investment by phasing out protective helmets.
“We’re encouraging players to buy in and build hype,” said an NHL spokesman. “Our athletes already have loads of disposable income, and once we eliminate helmets, fighting penalties, and concussion protocols, they’ll be the perfect target market for 2021’s hottest trend – NFTs.”
“After we take a significant dent out of players’ IQs, we believe our duller fans will feel empowered to invest their own money in ephemeral and questionably valuable GIFs,” the spokesman added. “And as a bonus, players will be a lot easier to negotiate with during the next lockout.”
Players who haven’t yet taken sticks and pucks to the head have expressed some confusion about the NFTs. “Wait, so you can look at them, but there will never be anything physical to touch? Oh, I get it, they’re like the Stanley Cup,” said Vancouver’s Thatcher Demko.
“Wow, a clip of me scoring a goal,” said Connor Bedard. “Now I can pay to pretend to own something I can watch on YouTube for free.”
Other players, however, are taking the plan’s long-term health consequences in stride.
“I already play without any support, so losing my helmet too won’t be much of an adjustment,” said Connor McDavid. “Yeah, I might get a little dumber, but I live in Edmonton, so if anything I’ll fit in better.”
Regardless of what players believe, the NHL is committed to making NFTs a pillar of their brand, one that follows in the footsteps of smash successes like FoxTrax, interminable offside reviews, and the Arizona Coyotes.
“They’re like trading cards, but much, much shittier. What’s not to love?” said NHL commissioner Gary Bettman. “Sure, NFTs didn’t work for the NBA, and they didn’t work for the NFL, and they didn’t work for Major League Baseball, but as a smaller and less popular league than all of them, we’re confident they can work for us.”
At press time, Evander Kane had lost 12 million dollars investing in NFTs.
