PRINCE ALBERT, SK – Area man Cameron Elliot has reportedly taken the day away from work to focus on his mental health by indulging in his favourite restoration activity; slowly deteriorating the other aspects of his health.
“Yeah, I think it’s important to take care of yourself inside and out. Or at least on the inside,” Elliot told the press from the grime-covered couch where he would spend the next 17 hours minimum. “I’ve got my self-care package all set up. Malt liquor, a six-pack of store-bought cupcakes, and this old joint that I found underneath the cushions.”
“Everything I need for a full mental detox and a biological retox,” added Elliott.
Elliot has a full schedule of events for his mental health day, which he used to call ‘self-care days’, and before that ‘cheat days’. Starting from when he gets up at noon, he is expected to spend the early afternoon “yelling at the teenagers I play video games with”, having Tums after his all-red meat dinner for extra calcium, and finally watching TikTok until he falls asleep on the toilet.
Having been at his company for two years, Elliot says he appreciates his employer’s many progressive policies. “They give us a lot of sick days, which I always seem to run out of for some reason,” notes Elliott. “I just wish they paid a living wage. That would help fix a lot of these mental health issues, because we know being physically healthy doesn’t help anything. ”
When questioned about the novel mental health regiment, Elliot’s therapist Dr. Victoria Greenwold surprisingly doesn’t condone any of his activities. “Yes, I know his itinerary is not very healthy, but that’s a problem for his physicist. I shouldn’t overstep. Plus, there is technically no known correlation between a Die Hard movie marathon and feeling bad about yourself, even though there’s probably room for study on that.”
At press time, Elliot was suffering from a migraine he was positive was from stress, and not because he hasn’t had a glass of water in three days.
