KITCHENER, ON – Local lesbian couple Maggie Chaney and Marianne Mathams recently created a sociopolitical stir in a No Frills by engaging in the bold act of being homosexuals out in the world.
According to eyewitnesses, the couple’s nonchalant attitude and focus on buying orange juice for their home made it quite clear that these two lesbians were not aware they were making a political statement.
“It was an outrage!” claimed fellow shopper and PTA member of Oak Hills Elementary School Judith Barker. “My kids were with me, and those two Rosie O’Donnells kept mentioning some sick lesbian thing they were calling ‘taco Tuesday’. Not everything has to be all woke, you know. Keep that out of my No Frills.”
Jerry Berkman, of Berkman Tires and Repair, also witnessed the modern couple’s alternate lifestyle as he was picking up Advil in the pharmacy section. He stated, “When one of them reached for tampons, I thought, ‘you know, that’s too far.’ It’s like, we get it, you’re both women and have vaginas.”
While several were visibly offended by the women’s decision to make an appearance at Paul & Malory’s No Frills, others felt supported and excited to see such courageous progressive representation right in their own town. High schooler Megan Wilcox stated, “I am LIVING for these lady queers! I totally ship them. And when they picked up that eggplant, I was like, ‘yes queens, you break those lesbian stereotypes!’”
Claudia Medina, a mother of three with a bumper sticker that reads, “My child is a gay honour roll student”, couldn’t help but whisper “how brave” when she saw the lesbian couple pick up their favourite oat milk. Medina continued, “I love how they’re being so mundane. Even lesbians can grab the wrong kind of diced tomatoes and have to run back to grab the right one while the other one cashes out.”
In addition to their local grocery store, Chaney and Mathams were also seen pushing the gay agenda at a neighbourhood pub, the park, and a dentist office where, in a strong far-left political stance about the Canada Dental Benefit and also leeching off of the country’s healthcare system, Chaney got “a check-up and a cleaning”.
“Why do things always have to be political with these people?” Berkman continued while wearing a shirt that said, ‘My other t-shirt is a gun’. “Can’t I go to my favourite Swiss Chalet without seeing two lesbians being lesbians and eating salad at me?”
At press time, local trans woman, Anya Combs, was seen ordering a cup of coffee, clearly as a political statement about… gendered bathrooms… or maybe against children? Yeah this is definitely about the children.
