TORONTO – Supply chain issues are leaving customers high and dry as an unexpected shortage of cans of whoop-ass grips the nation.
Amidst lingering pandemic related delays and the rising cost of materials, distributors and consumers nationwide have endured shortages of many everyday items including butter, children’s tylenol, and even Hallowe’en candy, but the latest shortage of the perennially reliable whoop-ass can has shocked many.
“I can’t believe it, I’m completely stunned!” states local shopper Ernie Pantusso. “I drove all the way in from Etobicoke just for this…”, he says, gesturing towards the empty store shelf. “I told my nephew I was going to open up a can of whoop-ass if he came home late, and I’m not a man who goes back on my word. This is a disgrace!”
Industry analyst Rebecca Howe confirmed that the shortage was disproportionately affecting several demographic groups, including uncles at family dinners, pro wrestling enthusiasts, and sitcom characters from the 80’s.
“Due to lack of resources we have seen a marked decrease in general delinquency from internet trolls, and a stunning lack of Karening by middle aged white ladies driving minivans,” explained How. “I’ve heard reports of political debates descending into directionless drivel, and even my own kids have been complaining that intramural dodgeball just isn’t the same.”
“Adding to the issue, a scarcity of rats’ asses has also been observed,” Howe noted. “However the donation-based nature of the product means that supplies fluctuate even under normal circumstances.”
Loblaws CEO Galen Weston Jr issued a public statement offering customers a price freeze on NoName brand cans of condensed violence, and directing shoppers to the snack aisle for the readily available Two-bite finger wags, but the public response was resoundingly negative.
Customer Carla Tortelli explains, “Honestly, I just don’t know what to expect when I go to the store anymore. First it’s cans of whoop-ass, then I find out I can’t get a rats ass here either! What’s next? They’re gonna be out of cans of worms? I’m gonna have to get by only giving one shit instead of two?”
At time of publication, Tortelli had yet to find a suitable replacement product and was reportedly heading home to write a muted and ineffective letter of complaint.
