EVERYWHERE, ALL AROUND YOU, ALL THE TIME ― A report conducted this summer by the University of Guelph has found that 97% of reported cases of temporary insanity in Canada are triggered exclusively by the infuriating buzzing of fucking cicadas.
“We’ve found at least a dozen cases where previously stable individuals were driven into an uncontrollable state of blind rage solely by that atrocious noise, and in this frenzy committed horrific acts of violence. Often, they had no recollection of this upon regaining their mental faculties, which happened within seconds of the buzzing dying down,” explained head author Grayson Kent.
“Luckily, the noise only lasts a few seconds on average, which isn’t enough time for most people to do much damage. Were the duration doubled, we estimate that there would be an additional 50-100 cases of murder or attempted murder per year in this country.”
Even with the current numbers, however, Kent points to a severe strain put on the healthcare system during the summer by cicada-related violence. “Hospitals set med students’ schedules by this, you know. In the winter, you learn to treat all the broken bones from slipping on ice, and when the cicadas come out, you practice stitching stab wounds.”
A rise in divorces during cicada season is another consequence of the loathsome sound. “I’ve seen it many times, always the same story. One partner wants the windows open because it’s too hot, the other wants them closed because of the cicadas,” claimed relationship specialist Elena Butler. “Normally I only advise divorce as a last resort, but this is an irreconcilable difference.”
“I also usually avoid taking sides, but really, at least if you pass out from heat stroke, you get a break from that infernal racket,” she added “Can nothing be done about these fucking bugs? And I mean, quite literally, fucking. I guide people through their most intimate relationships for a living, and even I’d be uncomfortable listening to humans having sex in public. But we’re supposed to just put up with cicadas year after year? Douse the country with insecticide is what I say, consequences be damned.”
“We were able to conclude that the surest way to get yourself killed during the summer is simply to walk out into a public space and declare that cicadas bring up pleasant childhood memories,” Kent warned. “That’s a symptom of much more long-term insanity which should probably be treated if you survive.”
The researchers plan to continue investigating the little monsters in their next paper, in which they’ll test the popular theory that a man’s propensity to mimic cicadas by revving his car engine is negatively correlated with the size of his penis.
