PENNSYLVANIA — Despite being credibly accused of sexual assault by sixty women and serving just under three years of a possible 10 year sentence, Bill Cosby was released from prison today after the Pennsylvania Supreme Court announced that they really should have waited until at least 1000 more women came forward against the former television star to convict him.
In a joint public statement, the judges wrote that while 60 women painfully recounting their horrifying experiences with Cosby was “really sad, etcetera,” their numbers just weren’t high enough to convince anyone that he had been a bad bad boy.
“We should have known better,” the remorseful statement read. “How could we have been so blind as to think that a mere sixty– five dozen!– accusations could ever have been enough evidence in the first place? We are proud to reverse this decision and hope that, unlike Bill’s alleged victims (which, as we have previous stated, are inconsequential and teeny tiny in number) he will be able to put this awful miscarriage of justice behind him.”
“We would also like to apologize to all the men out there currently in prison for sexual assault who had even fewer than 60 women accusing them,” it finished. “Don’t worry, we’re working to fix that, too.”
Cosby’s attorney Brian Perry stated that he and his client were thrilled to see yet another instance of the justice department spitting in the face of rape victims everywhere.
“I mean, maybe if there had even been, say, 750 women telling us that he was ‘a heinous monster who deserves to face even the smallest of consequences’,” he said, after presenting Cosby with a celebratory cake shaped like a quaalude. “Then we might have believed them– haha, no, I’m just kidding, we were never going to do that.”
At press time, men on the internet were wondering why women continue to not speak out about sexual assault.
