TORONTO – Toronto’s mayor John Tory has requested that residents stay home unless landlords aren’t making money off of them in which case they need to leave their homes.
“Stay home,” tweeted Tory. “Unless you can’t pay rent because you cannot work due to COVID and my government won’t give you money then get the fuck out of your home.”
Tory has also asked for people’s best effort to be safe when they need to leave their homes. “Only leave your house for necessities or solitary activities like a walk in the park,” said Tory. “But don’t try to live in the park just because we’ve evicted you from your home. Cuz you better fucking believe we’ll evict you from there too.”
Rich landlords all over the city have praised Tory’s courageous efforts to put the lives of citizens behind their ability to pay them money they don’t necessarily need.
“Honestly we were worried people might value lives over property,” said local landlord Chili Kingston. “Thank god the city has realized that Toronto is about condos, the housing market, and landowners. People can be replaced, but you can’t replace a siiiiick basement apartment at dupont and christie I just renovated.”
Landlords have been happily surprised by the amount of support they’ve received from random people in Toronto who also for some reason believe the economy and rent come before endangering anyone’s lives despite how much it harms them.
“Dude, landlords need to get paid too,” said recently evicted conservative voter Darrel Jerry. “Times are tough for people but again people who own 17 properties through a holdings firm that was bailed out by the government are just like the rest of us. If I don’t pay my rent, that’s $1,000 of their monthly $3,957,756 revenue they don’t make.”
Darrel also stated while he thinks it’s absolutely fair the government protects landlords and evict people, he is angry at their authoritarian laws forcing him to wear a mask inside 7/11.
