MOSCOW – A source inside the Kremlin has confirmed that the handlers of deep cover operative Bernie Sanders have lost the password needed to activate the commands placed in his subconscious.
“Because the asset was embedded so long ago, a lot of overseers have come and gone,” said KGB operative Nicolai Lobanov, surrounded by boxes from the KGB’s record rooms. “I just pray to god we made it a Russian word so that no one will activate him by accident. If Sanders is still half as deadly as he was in Afghanistan, the carnage would be unimaginable. ”
After months of Spetsnaz-level training and mental conditioning, Sanders was given the most American, anglo-saxon-sounding name possible and sent to the U.S. as a sleeper agent to infiltrate the American Senate as part of a campaign to destabilize the states. However, once hacking the election and spreading fake news proved the more effective means of protecting Russian interests, Sanders was left dormant, and began operating under his original orders of spreading communism by giving healthcare to everyone.
Sanders was selected because, as a white straight male he is highly likely to become President. However there have been some doubts regarding Sanders’ chances of victory. This is most likely why the Kremlin is seeking to activate his hypnotic instructions to use his years of experience in the field to terminate any threats to the Trump administration, possibly including fellow Democrat Joe Biden.
This lapse in information recording is proving to be a major source of stress for Lubanov, who is in danger of missing the peak time to activate Sanders. “Was it Vermont? No that’s too obvious.” Lubinov said, rubbing his temples. “1%of the 1%? No. Huge, but pronounced Yuge?. Damn it, I was sure we had it on a post-it note somewhere.”
In related news, the majority of Kremlin officials strongly oppose making us of Canadian sleeper agent Andrew Scheer.
