TORONTO – Pickleball is one of Canada’s fastest growing sports, with its estimated 1.37 million players representing a massive increase over the eight people who played when the sport was last surveyed in 2019. Because household budgets are tight and a good paddle is expensive, we’ve carefully studied the most popular models to determine which can serve double-duty in the nation’s bedrooms.
Head Radical Nite – Simple but sophisticated, the Nite is a classic paddle that will leave your sexual partners impressed by your smooth backhand. Its plain black design will also allow you to say “Oh, that’s just for pickleball” or “Oh, that’s just for sex” if a guest spots it and objects to either activity.
Prince Complete – At just $79.99, the Complete is a great way to take your first steps onto the court and towards spicing up your love life. Just note that its surface isn’t as high-tech as other paddles, so be a good sportsman and softly scrub off any ass sweat before you play.
Gamma Dart – While any pickleball paddle says “I’m too old or out of shape to play tennis,” the Dart unfortunately says the same thing about making love. Maybe you can score points with it, but one wimpy whack will leave your lovers trolling the courts for other pickle play partners.
Black Knight Cannon – While the $149.99 Cannon underperformed in most of our rigorous spanking trials, it was surprisingly adept at swatting flies, sweeping dust, and serving as an emergency coaster.
Onix Malice – Weighty, flexible, and easy to handle, the Malice proved capable of smacking butts and balls and the other kind of balls with equal efficacy. While its $379.95 price tag limits its appeal to serious spankers, anyone who gets paddled with this bad boy will be sore and satisfied for days.
Strict Wooden Paddle – Okay, so this one is actually just a sex toy, but for 30 bucks you can whip ass in the bedroom first, then try it out on the pickleball court to see if you want to invest in the sport. If anyone asks why it looks weird just say it’s European.
