BRANDON, MB — Local girlfriend Teresa Waldner failed to remind boyfriend Todd Derksen to be careful yesterday, resulting in his bumbling straight into the mouth of an erupting volcano.
“Oh, god,” Waldner said, standing by Derksen’s hospital bed, waving away the smoke from his crispy, burnt skin. “I thought he might have finally learned to be careful without being reminded. But nope, and look what happened. Let this serve as a warning to worried girlfriends everywhere.”
So far Waldner’s exhortations have prevented Derksen from walking into traffic while texting, dressing with his shirt on his legs and pants on his arms, being carried off by swooping predatory birds, and delivering a talk at TEDx Manitoba with an entire bunch of spinach dangling from his teeth, including the twist-tie.
“Teresa forgot to warn me, and I’ll never forgive her for that,” said Derksen. “She knows I forget how dangerous the world is, in spite of how often I have to swerve around open pits when the sign-holder takes a three hour nap, dodge pianos tumbling out of upper story windows, and find my way back to the ground after wandering onto slowly lifting I-beams that quietly deposit me twenty floors up some under-construction high-rise.”
Brandon Mayor Jeff Fawcett sent Derksen a formal apology, along with a fruit basket. “With all the active volcanoes around Brandon, I’ve been meaning to put up some fences,” he said, “or at least have the roads redone so they don’t lead people straight into the smoking volcanoes’ mouths. But I just forgot.”
In spite of the severity of his injuries, Derksen is expected to make a full recovery within the week. “I can’t wait to get back on my feet,” Derksen said. “On Monday I start my new job as an airline pilot.”
