KYIV, UKRAINE – Following the announcement that Canada will provide 800 drones to aid in the Ukrainian war effort to repel Russia’s invasion, military officers in Ukraine report that the “drones” are in fact mothballed Sea King helicopters with GoPro cameras duct taped to the front.
“We, the people of Ukraine, are grateful for the assistance of our Canadian friends,” explained President Volodymyr Zelenskyy, “But we’re honestly not sure that these things can still fly. Or that Canada understands what a ‘drone’ actually is.”
Zelenskyy added, “Next time, if you want to just e-transfer us the money you would’ve spent on shipping these, we’d honestly prefer that.”
As the Ukrainian military continues to repel invading Russian forces amid critical supply shortages, many soldiers on the ground report that Canada’s so-called “drone technology” has actually become a hindrance.
“We thought about trying to build a catapult to just throw these at some Russian forces, maybe do some damage that way,” explained Ukrainian pilot Daryna Kovalenko. “But before we cold do that, one of our soldiers got tetanus from all the rust on the propeller. Not worth the trouble.”
Though the GoPro-enabled Sea Kings have proven to be an overall combat liability, scattered reports have emerged of Russian troops, delirious from hunger, running in terror from the helicopters after believing they’d fallen through a portal back in time.
Ukrainian officials have reiterated their request for more financial military aid, in lieu of Ottawa’s last shipment of Heartland season 8 dvd box sets and expired Jos Louis snack cakes.
