HAMILTON, ON ― Inside sources report that your boss soon plans to announce a major promotion for Nathan Crane, a coworker currently working the same position as you.
A significant factor in the boss’ decision to pass you over for the coveted senior financial advisor position in favour of Crane, who has half your tenure, is his devotion to showing up to work every day, including three weeks ago when he was expelling germs from at least three orifices.
His heroic presenteeism prevented an estimated 2% decline in productivity that day, while causing a total 18% decline in productivity over the next four days, when a group of employees perfectly matching the ones he was in close contact with all called in sick.
“You gotta admire ol’ Nate here,” enthused your boss. “In here at 8am sharp in a starched suit even with that terrible hacking cough. Even the vomit breaks he took every few hours never lasted more than five minutes. I timed them. Not only did he refuse to slack off over a little cold, but insisting on being here in-person was really going the extra mile!”
“The rest of you ought to be more like him. We’re trying to return to the office here, and we can’t do that with everyone working from home sick.”
The coworker in question has also proudly explained that he is raising his children to value hard work as much as he does, which is why both are currently sitting and sneezing in a classroom with 20 other kids.
“Little Jackie begged to stay home, and my wife was going to let her, would you believe that? She went off on some tangent about ‘responsibility’ and ‘other parents can’t afford to take time off to care for their kids’ and ‘the entire class will miss out if one of their teachers catches it,’ and ‘also most people just don’t like being sick.’”
“But I say that just because our family has the ability to keep our kids home when they’re ill doesn’t mean we should spoil them like that. Just you wait, one day they’ll be up here following in their father’s footsteps straight to the top, while your children… well… follow in yours, shall we say.”
According to office gossip, Crane is indeed poised to continue rising quickly through the ranks. It is estimated he needs only to answer two emails on Christmas this year to guarantee he’ll be given the next executive opening, whereupon he too promises to give his subordinates a hard time for daring to use either of their two wellness days “getting well when they could be performing well instead.”
