TORONTO – Following the news that Bell Canada Enterprises Inc. is cutting over 4800 jobs, as well as shuttering many local newscasts and radio stations, Bell has assured Canadians the move was intended to create more candidates for Bell Let’s Talk Day.
“At Bell we care about Canadians’ mental health, and few things harm a person’s mental health more than sudden and far-reaching layoffs,” explained Mirko Bibic, President and CEO of BCE Inc.
“That’s why we created Bell Let’s Talk Day, so that Canadians can talk openly about their mental health challenges,” Bibic continued, “for example, like no longer having workplace insurance to pay for therapy, or having to sell one’s house due to a sudden loss of income.”
Bibic went on to note that Bell Let’s Talk Day’s discourse has become more crucial than ever following the shuttering of numerous local news outlets, many of which have been shuttered by his own telecommunications giant.
“I can think of at least 4800 Canadians who are going to have a lot to contribute come next year’s Bell Let’s Talk Day,” Bibic added. “You’re welcome, Canada.”
While the suddenly-announced layoffs are expected to boost Bell Let’s Talk Day’s participation numbers, thanks to the thousands of depressed and desperate ex-employees, BCE Inc. insists that not all effects will be negative. “Our layoffs will also create plenty of positive mental health outcomes,” notes one Bell Media spokesperson, “namely among our shareholders, who will receive a 3.1% increase in their annual share dividend thanks to these cuts.”
The Bell Media spokesperson added, “Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to go move back in with my parents in Timmins.”
Media analysts predict that engagement with next year’s Bell Let’s Talk event will skyrocket, not just thanks to newly-unemployed Bell employees, but also thanks to a general sense of cultural despair expected to set in once rampant disinformation fills the void left by local newscasts and radio broadcasting.
Canadian Heritage Minister Pascale St-Onge responded to the news, “I am so extremely disappointed in Bell Canada’s decision that I will be forced to increase their federal subsidies in 2025, and every year going forward.”
With the next Bell Let’s Talk Day not scheduled until early next year, Bell executives are reminding all laid off employees that they can cheer themselves up by streaming new episodes of Young Sheldon (with ads) on the CTV app.