TORONTO – After weeks of clearing unhoused individuals from Toronto parks in the middle of a Pandemic, Toronto Police finally left the residents outside Lamport Stadium alone after they said they were actually just a big, permanent anti-mask and lockdown protest.
“We thought you were a group of unhoused individuals seeking a place to rest that doesn’t bother anyone, but now that we know you’re actually one of those large groups of assholes who scream at service workers about how masks are slavery we’ll leave you free to your own devices,” said TPS Sargeant Logan Kettleman.
“That’s totally our bad,” he added.
Toronto Police has been accused of using unnecessarily hostile techniques towards unhoused people while simultaneously going for a “let anti-maskers be anti-maskers” approach to people who verbally acost strangers just trying to survive a pandemic. This prompted the brainwave from one park resident.
“They were pushing me and throwing out all my possessions,” said Eric Botterhill. “And then I was just like, oh no, I’m not homeless, I’m just here to yell at moms that the COVID vaccine will give their kids herpes and they left me alone immediately.”
“Then they asked me if we could take a photo together for their insta.”
A Toronto Police spokesperson later reassured residents that officers would be back to harass unhoused individuals just as soon as the media stopped paying attention.