TORONTO – The Delta and Omicron variants are reportedly upset that they had to deal with the provincial government’s rules and regulations, whereas the younger XE subvariant gets to run wil…
Tag: omicron
Beijing’s claims 1st Omicron case ‘arrived through mail’ refuted by anyone who has ever used Canada Post
TORONTO – Claims that the first case of the Omicron variant reported in Beijing ‘arrived on a parcel sent from Canada’ are being met with heavy skepticism by the scientific community as wel…
Quiz: Do you have Omicron? The answer is yes
Do you feel like you have Omicron, even though you have three vaccinations, no symptoms, and haven’t stepped outside your foyer barricade since 2020? Don’t be ridiculous, you definitely have it. …
Which dating app should you go crawling back to during Omicron?
Remember how last year, you were so sure you were done with the toxicity of online dating and said you would put an honest to God effort into meeting someone in person this year instead of just t…
Friend clearly trying to one-up your ‘I got COVID despite not going anywhere’ story
TORONTO – After you posted that you tested positive for COVID despite barely leaving the house, friends in the comments took the opportunity to advise that they too have been diagnosed with…
Due to supply chain issues, local woman runs out of fucks to give
WINNIPEG – Due to ongoing supply chain issues across the country, a local woman has completely run out of fucks to give. Alexis Jenkins, 29, has historically given excessive fucks, otherwise know…
Movie Review: Is seeing The Matrix Resurrections worth contracting Omicron? We don’t know, none of us were willing to find out
NOTE: This review contains spoilers for The Matrix Resurrections trailers but not the movie, since no one at the Beaverton has seen it because have you read the most recent COVID numbers? Jesus. …
Local man who hasn’t started Christmas shopping betting it all on Omicron lockdown
GUELPH, ON – While reportedly aware that he has only 7 shopping days until Christmas, local man Thomas Yeates is reportedly confident that a full province-wide Omicron lockdown will rescue …
“Sure Omicron may be 100% more infectious, but it’s 15% less deadly so everything will be fine,” says man who is real good at math
Red Deer, AB – As data comes forward indicating the Omicron variant is twice as infectious as Delta but possibly causes 10-15% less deaths amidst those it infects, local math expert Dalton …
Doug Ford starting to feel like he should maybe look into this whole Omicron thing
TORONTO – Premier Doug Ford is said to be considering taking “a big look” at the Omicron variant that is currently causing Ontario’s COVID case numbers to explode. “…