WINNIPEG – Due to ongoing supply chain issues across the country, a local woman has completely run out of fucks to give.
Alexis Jenkins, 29, has historically given excessive fucks, otherwise known as “having anxiety.” Unfortunately, after two years of extreme fuck-giving, Jenkins finds herself bereft of a single fuck.
“I guess it’s not the best timing, since this is the season of giving,” says Jenkins, appearing via video call on a day most people would have their camera off. “But I don’t care, because my supply of fucks has completely run dry.”
Jenkins has gone to great lengths to replenish her cache of fucks, including checking in the back, ordering from out of province, and signing up for Give a Fuck Prime. Her fuck stock, however, remains zero.
“It’s quite liberating, to be honest,” says Jenkins, eating an entire pack of Oreos at 3pm. “I just can’t be bothered by anything. Cat threw up on the nice carpet? Don’t give a fuck. Therapist broke up with me via text message? Don’t give a fuck. Can’t fly home for Christmas because of Omicron? Don’t give a flying fuck.”
At press time, Jenkins was rushed to the hospital for an emergency colonoscopy because she also could not give a shit.