Botched handshake embarrasses local man
HAMILTON, ON – Local resident Mark Sanford, 24, ruined his chances of making friends with two cool dudes yesterday when an introductory handshake went horribly wrong. Sanford’s friend…
Erratic orbit of Pluto used as pick-up line
YORK, ON – At a downtown house party over the weekend, James Denison, 21, a third-year astronomy major at York University, used an unconventional method to initiate a conversation with a gi…
Business man in talks of merger with woman
TORONTO – Private equity firm employee Praj Patel, 31, is in merger talks with airline stewardess Aneesha Sherawat, 27, a woman. If successful, the deal could lead to a 60% increase in coha…
Local company offers nonsense approach to network solutions
MISSISSAUGA, ON – Logan-Mitchner Ltd., a local network solutions firm, has been receiving many complaints from businesses in the GTA since they initiated an unorthodox “nonsense” policy ear…
Campus police warn of ‘sicko’ targeting women’s laundry
TORONTO – Residents living at York University campus and the surrounding area have been warned by campus police to keep vigilant after reports that a sick, sick individual is lurking in cam…
Maschismo exhibited by eating hot sauce
EAST YORK, ON – Local student Jeff Saunders impressed friends at an East-End Mr. Sub by asking for hot sauce on his sandwich, sources reported yesterday. “He was like, ‘No man, throw some h…
Jimmy’s Web Site Company to drop support for IE6 browser
KITCHENER, ON – Web analysts have been in a frenzy following a report that Jimmy’s Web Site Company will be dropping support for Microsoft’s Internet Explorer 6.0 in the coming weeks. The m…
Mars society treated to rare thrill
CALGARY – Members of the Mars Society of Canada were treated to a rare thrill this morning when our red neighbour came closer to the Earth than it has in 60 000 years. At its closest point …
Messier a LEGO man
A startling discovery is sending shockwaves through the NHL after it was revealed that Mark Messier is a LEGO man. A statement released last Wednesday by the NHL accuses Danish toy giant LEGO of …
