BURLINGTON, ON – An infinitely dark and enigmatic vortex of existential dread has had enough of being watched and accosted by prominent sages and thinkers. “They all give me this deer-in-the-hea...
Montreal municipal workers grant themselves permit to burn city hall
MONTREAL – Municipal workers in Montreal protesting the province’s pension reform have granted themselves permission to burn down the city’s famed l’Hotel de ville as well as several other borou...
Rick Mercer quits travel show to pursue comedy
TORONTO – CBC television personality Rick Mercer has announced that this season will be the last of his popular travel show The Rick Mercer Report. “People always tell me I’m funny. I figured I ...
Report: cooking show competitor might not finish in time
HOLLYWOOD – In a dramatic and unforeseen turn of events, Julianna Markus, contestant on popular cooking show Chopped may not be able to finish making her meal before the time limit expires. “I t...
New Health Canada ads educate Canadians on risks of voting Liberal
OTTAWA – Health Canada will release a series of television commercials warning Canadians about the dangers of voting for the Liberal Party. “It’s a gateway to socialism,” said Minister of Health...
Minimal effort put into Facebook birthday greeting
CRANBROOK, BC – After being reminded by Facebook of a birthday, local man Terrance Otis placed very little effort into wishing his distant friend a happy birthday. Otis, 24, simply used the acro...
Target hopes to reverse fortunes in Canada by operating under new ‘Zellers’ brand
TORONTO – With its business taking a beating after only one year operating in Canada, Target is hoping to draw customers back in by renaming its Canadian operation ‘Zellers.’ “We know this year ...
US considers decriminalizing blackness in wake of Missouri shootings
WASHINGTON, D.C. – The recent surge in civil unrest following the shooting of an unarmed black teenager by police in Ferguson, Missouri has U.S. lawmakers contemplating the decriminalization of blackn...
