Local man on fat bike enjoys the slower-than-walking commute to work

WHITEHORSE — Despite the snail-pace daily commute to his workplace, local arctic bike enthusiast Greg Armitage insists he will continue biking through heavy snow, wind and ice even if it is…

Trudeau hints next Governor General may be giant Canada Goose

OTTAWA – In what is being hailed as a victory for diversity, Prime Minister Justin Trudeau has dropped several hints in the last week that the nation’s next head of state may well be a huma…

Study: All remaining Canadian journalists able to fit inside 1997 Volkswagen Jetta

TORONTO – A study by Professor Simone Caffrey at Ryerson University has shown that as a result of massive layoffs in Canada’s news organizations, all remaining Canadian journalists, when st…

Facebook sad face a real time-saver for those expressing condolences for dead grandmother

BURLINGTON – Users of popular social networking site Facebook are warmly receiving the new reaction icons that replaced the “Like” icon previously featured on the site, noting they are particular…

Federal Court gives medical marijuana patients right to grow pot even though Evan has the good shit

VANCOUVER – The Federal Court of Canada handed down a landmark decision today that grants patients prescribed marijuana the right to grow their own plants despite Evan already having pretty…

Johnson & Johnson sued for $72m after baby powder revealed to contain actual powdered babies

JEFFERSON CITY, MISSOURI – A jury in the state of Missouri has ordered cosmetic company Johnson & Johnson to pay $72 million in damages after its trademark Baby Powder was found to contain “l…

Canadians banned from Wheel of Fortune for calling the letter ‘Zed’

LOS ANGELES – Sony Productions has announced that Canadians will no longer be allowed on long-running American game show Wheel of Fortune due to irreconcilable cultural differences regardin…

Israel pulls back West Bank settlements after McGill student union BDS vote

TEL AVIV — After hearing about McGill’s student society’s vote to support the Boycott, Divestment and Sanctions Movement against Israel, Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu has ordere…

Bernie Sanders supporters furious that cat food commercial fails to mention Bernie Sanders

Supporters of democratic presidential candidate Bernie Sanders have declared all-out online warfare against Purina One Smartblend cat food after their new commercial “utterly neglected” to make a…

Local dad’s four shares plummeting

BRAMPTON – Cries of distress have been heard from the basement of local man Geoffrey Costa this afternoon, after he returned home from work to discover that he had lost nearly $100 in the markets…