Has anyone seen my gun?
BY CONSTABLE SHERMAN McGARRY, CALGARY POLICE DEPARTMENT Uh, Hi. I hate to bother you with this problem, but have you seen where I put my Colt C8 assault rifle that I put somewhere? Oh boy, I’d be…
Michael Brown memorial tree cut down in self-defense
FERGUSON, MO – Residents of Ferguson, Missouri are in shock today after a violent conflict with Michael Brown’s memorial tree lead to a justified arborcide and the removal of a plaque. “Thi…
Connor McDavid loses draft lottery
TORONTO – On the biggest stage of his young career Connor McDavid, the most hyped hockey prospect in a decade, was unable to will the top draft pick to an actual NHL team, and he will now b…
Ontario enters late-19th century with beer sales at grocery stores
TORONTO – The Ontario government’s decision to change liquor laws and permit the sale of beer in grocery stores will put the progressive province on par with the laws from the 1890s. “While…
Local artist paid with, dies from, exposure
TORONTO – In the early hours of yesterday morning, local artist Sue Jolley was found dead of exposure mere days after being paid with the same. “We’re all shocked by this, but contrary to p…
Saguenay city council retaliates against SC ruling by spiking water supply with Holy Water
SAGUENAY – The secular community was up in arms Wednesday after discovering the council had passed a motion to mix Holy Water with the city’s main water supply to ‘bless the heathens living in si…
Q rebranded as q after caps lock button is laid off in latest round of CBC budget cuts
TORONTO –– After caps lock keys accepted buyouts in the CBC’s latest round of budget cuts, the public broadcaster announced on Wednesday that the radio show Q would henceforth be known as q. “we …
NHL Playoff Preview 2015: Western Conference
The NHL’s Western Conference playoff action is about to heat up like a Maple Leafs player on a Florida golf course in mid-April. It’s part two of The Beaverton’s NHL Playoff Pre…
Update: Mike Duffy bills taxpayers for legal fees
OTTAWA – One week into his trial for financial misconduct, Conservative Senator Mike Duffy has attempted to bill his Senate expense account for legal fees. “I figured that this trial would …
NHL Playoff Preview 2015: Eastern Conference
As teams gear up for the annual playoff battle and the Leafs gear up for their annual schvitz, its time for The Beaverton‘s experts to break down the match ups, rivalries and action that wi…
