Grindr update: Headless torso seeks head

VANCOUVER – Local gay hook-up app user h0rse_huñg, whose Grindr profile image features only a naked, headless torso, is reportedly seeking head. While experts speculate that the user may be…

Local ignoramus hopeful the worst is over

Guelph, ON – Ralph Schelling, mortgage broker and certified dunce, was overheard on a local patio expressing cautious optimism to a friend that things may finally be getting better. “I mean…

Netflix raises prices to $11 a month, plus a solemn promise to give Iron Fist a chance

LOS GATOS, CA – Video streaming service Netflix is raising prices for American subscribers, meaning the standard tier will now cost $10.99 a month, and a formal oath to watch and attempt to…

10 steps to contour your face down to a single highlighted cheekbone

 Use these ten easy steps to conceal the unsightly and superfluous features of your face! 1. Scrape and shave down your face. A nice rosy complexion will tell you that you should keep scraping, b…

Sex robot makers are buckling to PC pressure and refusing to make one that looks exactly like my mother

By Harold Bilfat In today’s world, self-actualization is valued above all else. Political correctness tells us everyone is special, and we can be whoever we want to be. Yet, on one subject, polit…

Duolingo app keeps telling people to kill in multiple languages

SILICON VALLEY – Popular languages app duolingo has begun using its friendly, interactive interface to instruct millions of people trying to improve their second language to commit brutal, …

Local Brown man begins job interview by denouncing all bad things ever

Markham, ON – While being interviewed for the position of manager at a Sport Chek, local Brown man Anuj Sanil began his interview by eloquently and systematically denouncing all bad things,…

Former NDP leader Tom Mulcair retires to scream-cave

OTTAWA – After losing the federal election to Justin Trudeau in 2015, and more recently the leadership of his own party to Jagmeet Singh, former New Democratic Party leader Thomas Mulcair h…

Morneau: Small business owners can continue income sprinkling if they spend one night in haunted house

OTTAWA—Backtracking on controversial reforms, Finance Minister Bill Morneau announced that small businesses would be allowed to keep certain tax advantages, provided they survive one night in a h…

Dear Babysitter: Here’s a quick summary of the lies we’ve told our children

Hi Babysitter! Thanks for coming over and taking care of our little ones! They are our pride and joy. Raising them to be responsible citizens has been quite the adventure! In the course of raisin…