Good Deed Alert! We went to profile a Neo-Nazi, and he offered to write the profile himself!

And they say good manners are dead! This past week our editor gave us a tall order: to go find a normal, everyday-seeming Neo Nazi in the American heartland, and write an incisive expose revealin…

Breaking: Rest of country’s night made worse due to winning team being from Toronto

OTTAWA – The rest of the country’s evening has been made worse after a sports championship was won by a team from Toronto. Upon hearing that the Toronto Argonauts defeated the Calgary Stamp…

Grey Cup fever sweeps tens of people

OTTAWA – Reports from in and around TD Place Stadium say Grey Cup fever is sweeping almost 3 dozen people. The game between the Calgary Stampeders and the Toronto Argonauts is projected to …

Help! I don’t know I’m a terrible parent!

Oh boy, am I in over my head! And the worst part about it? I don’t even realize it. Here I am, in the grocery store, when one of my kids asks me question. You know, the kind of basic question tha…

Problem no longer in the news probably solved by now

NORTH AMERICA – After dropping out of the 24-hour news cycle several months ago, mainstream media experts are reporting that all problems across the world have been solved by now, probably.…

Local man finds romantic success by texting unsolicited dog pics

KINGSTON, ON – Reports from yesterday evening have found that 26-year-old Tommy Freen has come across unprecedented courting success by switching out pictures of his penis that no one asked…

CIA coup of United States apparently delayed one more day

WASHINGTON, D.C. – Putting off plans that everyone assumes were drawn up as soon as election results were confirmed, the CIA has seemingly balked once again at overthrowing the dangerous an…

Government gives Yazidi refugees monthly stipend with enough to live on in 1993

  Watch this exclusive clip from The Beaverton.…

Peter Kent calls for moment of silence to commemorate thousands of Canadians killed by marijuana overdoses

OTTAWA – Conservative MP Peter Kent called for the House of Commons to offer a moment of silence for the thousands of Canadians who die in marijuana overdoses each year. The Thornhill MP wh…

Medical AI working as self-driving car after foreign credentials rejected

WATERLOO – After having its medical credentials rejected due to their overseas origin by professional health organizations, an artificial intelligence smart enough to be a doctor has only b…